Monday, August 22, 2005
God Scoffs At Bush "Faith"
Says No Blessing For War Monger, Troops or Any Politicians
The Supreme Being, Mr. Divine Designer himself, took a break from his well earned "working vacation" at his unicorn stud farm in Perfect, Paradise to comment on his relationship with George Bush, his views on Christianity, Islam and Scientology and to forcefully deny he has been taking too much time off.
"Yeah, I've been here on vacation since helping the Mets win the 1969 World Series. But based on my infinite 'always been here, always will be' existence, the last 34 years I've been off ain't nothing more than the blink of a camel's eye. But I'm still getting a bad rap..."
"I took the time off the same year Nixon made his deal with Satan and I washed my hand of all politicians and their parties."
"The Devil got the whole integrated package - candidates, elected officials, PACs - and naturally the cable and network television rights to covering it all. Those are all his people."
"The deal is, I don't bless any of them or what they do. I don't listen to their prayers and I don't ever talk to any of them. It's worked out great for me!"
"I'm surprised people don't realize this since it seems so obvious to me, but hey, I'm God, I understand all of it."
"I threw in all the organized religions in exchange for 60% of all merchandising and licensing income. I get a cut of every car fish, every cross and every burka. It pays for the whole vacation and the new planet I'm intelligently designing on the other side of the universe."
"I'm going to create these people to be smart enough to just use the one commandant I give them without adding 9 of their own. All I gave Moses was a marble post-it that said, "Love your neighbor as you love yourself." I don't know where all that other crap came from. Who needs to say don't kill or lie or cheat when you've got the one commandment in place? And I never said squat about who you could worship or how."
"Anyone who knows me knows that my ego don't need no worshipping. My self esteem is just fine. I know how all powerful and all knowing I am. Why the hell would I want people to get on their knees and tell me how great and wonderful I am? Talk about embarrassing brown nosing. Give me a break, I'm God, not the leader of North Korea."
"You want to kill each other? Go ahead. What do I care? I gave you all free will and I don't take sides. I'm not the big judge in the sky and I'm not your daddy."
"But when you do kill each other, either individually or in large sized war numbers, don't ever connect my name with it. I don't bless your troops or anyone else's. And the fact that you think I ever would, just shows why I needed this vacation."
"Why that's almost as funny - as putting my name on your money! Ha! That's a good one. I'll say one thing for you folks - you do keep me laughing my ass off!"