Monday, November 28, 2005
The Poor Must Die
Bush Declares War on Poverty!Exclusive interview with the Angry Buddhist reveals bold new plan to enrich America
That's right, gentle readers, your Angry Buddhist has just returned from Crawford, Texas where I once again employed my mastery of the Zen arts to scoop the so called mainstream media and score yet another exclusive interview with the man whose body holds up Karl Rove's brain. The one and only George WMD Bush.
And if you were wondering how he would ever overcome the low poll numbers that resulted from the blowback on Iraq and that whole culture of corruption snafu, then you have once again pre-underestimated the prowess of the powerful. Because the President is going back to basics and tapping into the heart of his base.
Right after we shared some of Laura's homecooked Thanksgiving turkey, George and I retired to the front porch to smoke some fine Cuban cigars.
"Look," he said, blinking away like a white owl, "We have got to do something about the poor in this country. It's just gotten intolerable. We have got to eliminate poverty wherever it exists."
I could sense where he was headed and nodded accordingly. But as usual he was going someplace else.
"And the best way to eliminate poverty is to flat out eliminate the poor. There's nothing more unAmerican than poor people and we have got to get rid of them."
He poured himself a stiff tumbler of bourbon, took a manly swig, and continued.
"Katrina was a great start and we're killing plenty of poor folks in Iraq too. And not just US citizens either. We're actually killing thousands of poor Iraqis every week. And that's not just by accident," he said. "If we don't kill them over there we'll have to kill them over here. You saw what happened with all those boat people after we didn't do the job in Vietnam, didn't you?"
I double checked my digital recorder to make sure I was getting all this verbatim. The red light glowed bright and the President's nose was starting to take on the same radiance.
"Africa's another success story for us. Nothing but poor people from South Africa all the way up to North Africa. And we've got them dropping like flies thanks to our focus on the rights of the domestic unborn. Those Africans ain't even on the radar screen here."
"And of course we have very high high hopes for the bird flu too. We've already gotten way out in front on that one. We can pretty much quarantine any damn place we want to and then send the military in to run things in the kill - - I mean quarantine - - zones. Karl's pitching it as 'Grand Theft Auto' come to life."
I just had to interrupt him - "But Jesus said -"
"I ain't going to stand for no damn Buddhist telling me what my lord and savior Jesus Christ said about nothing. Us evangelical wrote the damn bible for Christ's sake and it says exactly what we want Jesus to have said."
I decided to take my mother's sage pearl of wisdom and just shut up, listen and learn. The President refilled his glass and made his case.
"Our studies prove that the poor cost way too much. And they don't pay nearly enough in taxes. We could have lots more no new taxes if the poor didn't eat up all that government money - which is really YOUR money. The more poor we get rid of, and the less we give to the poor who manage to survive, the more money we have to reward those who worked hard enough to make huge profits that help boost America's bottom line. What could be fairer than that?"
"The poor don't create any new jobs - they only produce kids - POOR kids. And then those kids cost us ever increasing amounts of money. I call this the 'cycle of poverty' and we have got to break that cycle."
"A whole bunch of us put in a lot of work, HARD work, into turning American into an ownership society and the poor don't own a damn thing. They rent everything! Even their fucking televisions. We're not a renter's society! That works directly against the American Dream. That's why I call the poor 'America's Nightmare.'
"The poor give regular people the creeps - they make you feel guilty, or worse yet worried about your own future. 'What if that happens to me?' some people think when they see poor people - especially those homeless ones. That's part of the nightmare I'm talking about. The poor are ugly, smelly, unsanitary and depressing to be around. You ever see the crappy cars they drive or how shitty their houses look? No wonder the real estate values are so low in poor neighborhoods."
"The poor don't donate to any political campaigns - most of them don't even vote. They're simply not part of the American democratic process - except for always asking everyone for a handout and more benefits. The poor just do not know how to play the political game. All they know how to play is the blame game and they've never even won at that."
"I say, get rid of the poor and you also get rid of abortions, drug use, crime, violence, gambling, gangs and all that rap music."
"Let's face it, the poor have outlived their usefulness. Remember, it says in the bible that we're only as great as the worst among us. So just image how great this nation will be when we eliminate the entire category of the poor and the worst among us is actually among the most elite among us!"
The President was now standing and swaying back and forth as he hugged himself and the bottle of bourbon. I could hear him humming "The Yellow Rose of Texas" with increasing volume.
"I have a dream!" he suddenly yelled out. "A dream of a bright, shining city on a hill! A city with no poor, no homeless and no problems! I may not get to that city with you all... Ah, what the fuck, who am I kidding? Sure I will! It's my destiny! I'll get there, and I'll get there in a Hummer made of solid gold! Hey, speaking of gold, who wants pie? We've got mama Barbara's homemade pumpkin pie and Cool Whip!"
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With all of the journalistic integrity of FOX News, I must report: “It has been rumored” that George Bush has fallen off the wagon. Not only is he drinking regularly again, but “reliable sources” claim that his cocaine use has returned with a vengeance. It is beyond my security level to verify these reports. And since I’m not likely to be granted a personal audience with His Witlessness, perhaps you could relate any telltale signs that you may have noticed.
On video, he has been shown to stumble, shuffle, slur, and stammer in worsening degrees over his presidency, but that could just be an increasing Texan affectation. He has also developed an odd facial tic, a sort of jaw stretching, in between sentences. Anyone who’s been to the L.A. Mission in skid row will be familiar with those afflicted by similar uncontrolled spasms. Now, I’m not as capable a video-physician as Bill Frist and would not like to offer a firm diagnoses based on that evidence. However, you’ve interviewed the quivering mass of flesh. So please tell us: is he tweaked? And, is the stuff any good?
Nereus
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On video, he has been shown to stumble, shuffle, slur, and stammer in worsening degrees over his presidency, but that could just be an increasing Texan affectation. He has also developed an odd facial tic, a sort of jaw stretching, in between sentences. Anyone who’s been to the L.A. Mission in skid row will be familiar with those afflicted by similar uncontrolled spasms. Now, I’m not as capable a video-physician as Bill Frist and would not like to offer a firm diagnoses based on that evidence. However, you’ve interviewed the quivering mass of flesh. So please tell us: is he tweaked? And, is the stuff any good?
Nereus
# posted by 
: 11:26 AM
: 11:26 AM << Home
